As I weaved a path through the grocery store yesterday, I looked for perfect food for our Thanksgiving feast. I looked for the best green beans and brightest cranberries. I pictured our loving family seated at the dining table.
Highly unlikely! I need to give up the hope of pleasing everyone. With the family’s mix of vegetarians and meat eaters, a new baby in the family, parent/child arguments, and diverse personalities? I need to give up hope for the holidays.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. It’s accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.” Oprah Winfrey
Ways to Cope
In an article by Martha Beck, titled 5 Ways to Survive Your Next Family Gathering, she suggests:
1) Give up hope. Don’t expect it to be perfect or any different than usual. If your uncle always drinks more than he should, why would it be different this year?
2) Set boundaries. Try saying, “I do not and will not talk about that right now.” If your kids need to leave early to go visit their dad, try not to be hostile. Get over it!
3) Lose control. Don’t try to make the vegetarian teenager eat meat. Serving some shrimp, as well as turkey may help, but won’t change any issues.
4) Become a “participant observer.” Take mental notes rather than try to control the situation. Realize that most of the friction is silly and will definitely increase the tension, if you suggest change.
5) Debrief. Share your observations with good friends afterwards to see whose family would win the prize for worst behaved.
Less Hope, New Behavior
I’ve said many times to people going through transitions, “If what you do is not working, do something else.” Can I follow my own directions? Can I laugh when I open the sour cream and it looks like green fuzz from a sweater? Can I keep quiet when relatives arrive two hours late for the now cold casserole? Can I accept that we will probably not all sit down at the table, looking like a Norman Rockwell painting?
The Perfect Person
I need to go to the book store to buy, Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection by Deborah Spar, President of Barnard College. Recently she wrote a book telling all of us, not just women, that we need not try to be perfect. I watched one of her book reviews on Youtube and could definitely relate. It’s not just women who seek out the perfect family, the perfect job, stilettos or sleek cars. Too often both men and women say “yes” to over-burdening ourselves with the need to make money and look good. How is this madness affecting health and families?
Yes, I need to give up hope. I need to stop trying to please everyone. Holidays may be tough but if I relax and try to be less perfect. I bet my family would enjoy the day more. Maybe we could play charades??? Whoops! There I go again, trying to make everyone happy!
So here’s hoping you can give up hope! Relax, enjoy the dysfunction. As they say, put the FUN in dysfunction. Maybe I’ll see you at the bookstore, where I’m headed to buy that book about Wonder Woman book.
Happy Thanksgiving.