Recently I talked with a long-time friend whose son was accidentally killed right before Christmas. Another friend’s mother died suddenly. Dealing with depression is inevitable in these difficult situations. I struggled to know what to say.
Most of us know the searing pain which happens when we lose a loved one, but how can we help with the rocky road for our friends and family? Our words may be rocks along their road, seeming harsh and uncaring.
How can we offer comfort?
When talking with a person experiencing grief, we need to consider where the individual is in the grief process. There is no set time limit on the grief process but there are stages. Let’s review them.
- Shock-this is all a bad dream; this can’t be happening.
- Anger-he should have been more careful; if only the doctor had made different decisions.
- Sadness-flooded by tears; anxious; can’t sleep
- Bargaining-if only I’d been a better daughter (or son); I just wish I’d known…
- Acceptance-realizing and accepting the situation cannot be changed.
Emotions in all steps can haunt individuals and children when least expected. Children experiencing divorce mourn the absent parent, even if s/he is a shrew. Standing in line when we hear our mother’s favorite song over the loud speaker in the supermarket can cause tears to flow in front of everyone, long after her death. Death of a child crushes everyone in the immediate and distant family. We scream while driving alone or may treat family members with nasty, hateful words.
“S/he’s in a better place,” doesn’t work. No, no, no! S/he’s not in a better place from the grievers’ perspective. We want our loved ones with us, even if they are ready to go. Even if, they were a pain in the neck with all their issues. Sometimes we may feel relief that a loved one no longer must suffer with cancer, drug addiction or heart trouble. But we are justifiably self-centered. We don’t want to let go of our loved ones.
We may think losing a job would not be as traumatic as the examples I’ve shared, but both men and women who lose their jobs usually feel the same dreadful emotions. We miss our colleagues and wonder, “Why me?” Our self-esteem is shattered. We find a new job or career, but we can miss colleagues and friendships.
I don’t think there are any “right” answers. Just don’t tell someone, “I understand,” because we don’t. Our child or mother can die but the loss is different for each of us. Yes, we can learn and grow but telling someone “I understand,” when they are raw and wounded, doesn’t work. Losing someone or something frightens us. Mortality slaps us in the face. Try not to say “I can’t imagine, how you feel.” Well, try!
John Baldwin, Senior Minister at First United Methodist Church in Celina, Texas, shared an article on FaceBook written by Christy Heitger-Ewing on his Facebook page a few months ago. In the article she tells us NOT to say:
“Cheer up. Your loved one would not want you to be sad.”
“Focus on all the blessings in your life.”
“S/he’s in a better place.”
“… It’s time to get over it.”
“Cherish the wonderful memories.”
“Pull yourself together…for the kids.”
Ignoring the situation.
“I can’t imagine what you are going through.”
Flip Side
If you recently lost a loved one, you realize people want to help. You may not be ready for their comments and desire their help. You may need a support group to hide with others who know the agony, the extraordinary effort of getting up in the morning and desire to cry continuously.
Hugs? You may want to shove others away, but think of it this way…you may be talking with someone who deeply misses your loved one. They need to grieve and heal, too. You both may profit from the hug, although you may resist.
Please read, print and keep Christy’s article where you can review it periodically. When I heard myself struggling, talking to my friend last week, I realized how easy it is to be trite and maybe even hurtful, instead of helpful. May you find the right words and comfort when dealing with rocks in the road!